What Are Young Children Thinking?
Young children, (and the process of child development), is often misunderstood by adults. The root cause for this is due to the reality that young children and adults are experiencing very different stages of development-one irrational, one rational, one pre-conscious (not yet having conscious motivation), the other with conscious awareness. Two very different perspectives. Two very different levels of maturity. Two very different ways of experiencing the world.
Even though they can relate, these different stages can’t completely understand each other.
As adults interacting with children, we often misunderstand their pre-conscious nature. Young children live in a much more primal world than we do. While their actions can look intentional, the child does not consciously know why they are doing what they are doing.
In their world, their bodies and emotions rule their actions even if they are able to use expressive language.
They are, however striving (albeit unconsciously) to have their basic needs met, among them the need for deep connection and to feel some sense of independence-this is an internal driving force. When in the irrational stage, the young child does not discern what type of connection (attention) they are receiving. And they often find ways to exert their independence, (or attempt to get their basic needs met) which from an adult’s perspective, (understandably) seems very misguided.
One minute, a young child might be describing the differences between the Acela train and the subway lines, or saying that they feel sad because they wanted the blue popsicle, and the next minute they are lying on the floor kicking and screaming because you indicated it was time for them to put on their shoes. Unconsciously, their sense of autonomy-their need to exert some control has emerged.
It's easy to think that when children have the use of expressive language that they could stop their tantrum and just put on their shoes. Which sometimes is true. More often than not, they just can't help themselves, and that's where the adults come in! We can help them by first living into the concpets of the unconscious stage, and by responding to these moments by providing freedom within limits. (Limit-It’s time for the child to put on shoes. Freedom (choice)- How the child gets to their shoes, or where they sit to put on their shoes, or which shoe to start with.
That child who's throwing a tantrum all of a sudden because you asked them to put on their shoes? Instead of trying to reason with them as if they were a calm, rational adult, consider interacting with them like a pre-conscious being, someone who is mostly emotions and impulses.
One method:
Acknowledge so the child feels “heard”, then move on.
One possible scenario is this. You acknowledge the situation and their emotions by reflecting back: "AAAAH!" you might scream, at a lower intensity than the child, while stomping your feet. "You say 'AAAAH! No shoes!" If you repeat this a few times, the child may realize that you understand what they are expressing (but without naming their feelings for them) and calm down a little bit. Then you can say, in the most casual tone ever, "It's time for shoes. Do you want to hop like a bunny, or slither like a snake (to the shoes)… or get there another way?" This method, which I highly recommend and have used with great success, was inspired by the concpets found in the book,
“The Happiest Toddler on the Block,” by Dr. Harvey Karp.
Another option is for the adult to move away, (to fein needing to find something) from the site of the conflict. This is a way to relieve the pressure-to diffuse the heightened state. This is not giving in, because this is not a teachable moment. This is a moment to regroup. To take the attention off the impending battle of wills.
Since young children are motivated unconsciously, discussions and lectures are counter-productive.
It’s easy to think that those difficult moments are teachable moments. The moments during or right after unwanted child behavior are too confusing for a child to take in new information. They may not even remember what occurred. And bringing up the child’s behavior after everyone has cooled down often brings too much attention to it. Older children may be able to handle more rational discussion about past behavior, but since young children are motivated unconsciously, rational discussions are usually counter-productive.
To Summarize:
Acknowledge so the child feels a connection and feels understood: “I hear you. You want to keep playing with your toys.”
Mirror the child’s “no”- “You say, NO!”
Objectively state the reality- “Momma says, it’s time for shoes.”
Offer choices: “Hmmm….how will you get there? Gallop like a horse, hop like a kangaroo, or some other way?” (Adult doing for the child is not a choice.)
If after 2 or 3 rounds this does not seem to be “working” move away to relieve the pressure. Your child may then be able to comply, or you can revisit the direction by being more playful. You may start to change your shoes while humming to yourself, which communicates no investment in what the child is doing i.e relieving the pressure
Inwardly assess if your child may need more time to accomplish this task, or needs some preparation, and provide for this in the future
Stay in a calm, objective state. Communicate clearly, and firmly. Children pick up any wiggle room
A re/direction is not a request. Avoid ending the sentence with the question, “ok?”, (which does provide wiggle room!)
It’s not about winning, or forcing a lesson. It’s about building and creating a connection of trust, partnership and cooperation
Explore the concpets of the DISC profile to discover insights for guiding your child according to your, and their, temperament style.