“I WANT!” “I NEED!”
How to respond to demands, and those seemingly endless (and irrational) desires
Young children are endowed (born) with the same complicated and full range of emotions that adults possess. The child can express sadness, anger, happiness, fear, frustration, contentment, shyness, possessiveness, jealousy, and love, etc., and often with alarming emotional intensity- there’s little to no modulation, perspective, ability to self reflect, or rational consideration.
However, when emotions are expressed (especially those with great intensity) the young child:
Does not yet have conscious awareness for why they are behaving any particular way
Nor the ability to modulate or regulate (everything feels immediate)
And being in the irrational stage of development, their responses are primal, instinctive, and self centered
Not getting one's way essentially feels to the young child as if they are, while not in danger exactly, but close. If a certain, so-called “desire” is not fulfilled it feels as if their world is coming to an end. That’s the immaturity of the irrational stage of development. The young child has very little perspective-well none really. They want what they want when they want it, and they will scream, wail, throw themselves to the ground, hit, kick and thrash to get it.
Adults often want these intense expressions to stop, and end up giving in to the “I WANTS!!” and the “I NEEDS!!” While doing so may alleviate the experience in the moment, it also creates a habit of expectation. The child screams. The child gets their way. And all of a sudden we are at the mercy of the young child’s whims, which may and often do, change in an instant.
For the young child, it's the wanting, not the having. The emotional rush called “wanting” is often dispelled once the desired object is obtained.
This unconscious energy is how they (all humans) are innately wired to learn about and try on, if you will, the experiences of these raw, not-yet-mature feelings of want and need. I know as an adult I can become very attracted to something, often set off by the smallest thing- a glimpse of an item in a shop window, the mention of a certain food, or innocently looking through a catalog. A feeling of desire comes over me out of nowhere. I did not know I was so interested in a particular thing until something in my mind was stimulated. And that attraction takes hold instantly. With conscious awareness and experience comes objectivity. I can stop and ask myself do I REALLY need that? Can I actually afford that? Don’t I already have something like that?
A child can not.
It is the adult’s role to know the difference between when there truly is danger (crossing the street, using something sharp, being near a hot stove. etc.), and when there is not (not getting that additional cookie, or not buying a new toy, or having a turn RIGHT NOW).
The child is being shaped by the responses we provide
It is also the adult's role to assist the child to come to terms with the situation. And because the energy motivating this drive is so intrinsic, (hard wired) the child will attempt it many times, and thus the adult must be prepared and be willing, to support it many times. It takes repetition to develop new insight.
When the child says, “I want….” the adult can calmly, firmly and without judgment say:
“I know, you want (whatever it is), and right now, (state the reality).
For example:
“I see... you want the truck. And right now your (sibling, friend, classmate) is using it.”
“I hear you. You want to read more books. I wish we could. We read all the books for now.”
“I understand. You say, ‘More cookies’. The cookies are all set.”
THEN, follow up. (Objectively and calmly. We’re not trying to rescue, or cajole or pacify. We’re indirectly teaching a skill.)
“What will you do while you're waiting? Play with the trucks, play doh, or something else?”
“It’s time for our goodnight kiss and hug. Good night.” (And leave the room. Do not linger).
“I’m looking for the yellow washcloth. Let’s go find it. (Moving away from the site of the interaction.)
We are not trying to convince, rescue, cajole or make excuses for the child. We are acknowledging what is being expressed, which is not the same as thinking of it as something they actually want or need,
And lastly, children do not use expressive language the same way adults do. Well, they are using the same words, of course, but the meaning behind them is not what we often think.
Young children, (preverbal and verbal), are intrinsically and unconsciously motivated to connect with their primary caregivers. How we respond creates habits of expectations. This is based on the primary human wiring of “call and response.” The infant cries. And adult responds. That’s a good thing because without an attentive adult, the human infant can not survive, but it also establishes the initial habit of expectation.
As the child develops, especially into the use of expressive language, we adults must adapt.
We must avoid taking what they express at face value, because they are using language in part to connect with us. And the young child does not care what type of connection it is- positive or negative. They just know they have your attention.
We can however acknowledge, respect and honor what is being expressed.
The child demands/ yells, “Mom, I need you! Come! ”
Mom replies quietly, calmly, and objectively, (indirectly teaching through role modeling the not-yet learned skill of asking for something in a more polite way.) “Come next to me. I can’t hear you when you are so far away.”
Child comes over, but still demanding, says, “Mom, I WANT a snack!”
Mom, with loving eye contact, takes a deep breath and slowly says, role modeling for the child: “May I have a snack?” (or, “Snack please.” depending on the level of the child’s expressive language use.)
Child most likely will copy, “May I have a snack?” (or, “Snack, please.”)
If having a snack is acceptable:
Mom will say, “Sure, let’s go make snack.”
If having a snack is not acceptable:
Mom will say, “I hear you. You are asking for a snack. Right now, snack is all set.” Offhandedly continues, “I’m looking for the yellow ball. Let’s go find it.” (Moving away from the site of the interaction, and changing the subject.)
So, I would ask, how do you want to be in relation to the child?
Do you want to be at the child’s beck and call, and the mercy of their emotional whims, or do you want to help shape the child’s raw expressions into something more productive? Say, an adult who can manage the complications of emotions and who can take responsibility for their emotions?
Do you want to be at the mercy of the whims of the smallest person in the family, or would you like to be able to maintain your sense of self and your family norms?
Do you want a relationship based on you rescuing, bribing, or making excuses for the child's behavior, or can you see their behavior as an opportunity to help them-to assist them- to grow into a productive and independent adult?