What Are Your Family Norms?
In Our Family
We practice listening when someone is talking
We practice putting our toys away after using them
We practice sharing and taking turns
We practice using our hands carefully
Sheltering in place during this time has necessitated new responses and adaptations to home life with young children. Children are resilient and can adapt to the unexpected, but they will also habituate to either the highest or the lowest expectations. Maintaining family norms is always important, and especially now as we navigate this unprecedented time of being home more than before.
Establishing a set of reasonable family norms for how the family would like to live in harmony together is valuable and meaningful. Discussing together, and hearing what’s important to each member of the family demonstrates respect, inclusion, and builds a positive sense of self.
Creating a visual representation for each norm, (with photos, hand drawings or clip art), concretely depicts what’s expected. This is especially helpful for the child who is not yet reading.
Give each family member a sticky note to “sign” or indicate their name, and stick around the poster (no shown). When there is an “infraction”, gently hold hands with the child and look at the poster, “Oh… I remember…we decided to (for example) use our hands for helping. Let’s practice.”
Applying the concept of practicing -as someone may practice, say, yoga, or practice the learning of a second language, or practice how to cook something new- to your family’s norms, demonstrates that no matter our age we all need the opportunity to “try, try, again”, and doing so is a natural part of learning and growing. This is not used as a way to let someone off the hook, (so to speak), but as a way to alleviate the pressure often felt to do things correctly, or the shame felt when we don’t.
This is especially important for young children, who are naturally very sensitive and vulnerable to feelings of shame. Being given the benefit of the doubt allows us all to maintain our dignity, a positive sense of self, and the development resilience.
Be a role model for your child. Show that you also need to practice, (that you are not perfect), intentionally create a scenario where you have to do so. However, avoid making judgmental statements, (about ourselves and the child). “Oh, I am so silly. Why did I do that?” as these types of statements inadvertently put oneself down, and invite children to make fun of us, and others. Try this instead, (for example), “Oh…it looks like I forgot to put my clothes in the hamper. The next time I change my clothes, I’ll try to remember to put them in the hamper right away.”
Prepare Thyself-the adults role
Maintain family values no matter the situation by using this sustainable approach:
The child demands/whines: “I want more cookies!”
Adult, role models for the child: “May I have more cookies.” implying the child will repeat. Whether the child does so, or not:
Take a deep breath, then state the reality: “We can have one cookie.” (Using, “we” instead of “you” takes the focus off the child, and implies inclusion.)
Offer choices: “What will you do next? Play with the car, or with the ball, or something else?”
If there is a need to repeat the redirection, do so one more time, and then:
Disengage to diffuse: “Oh, I just remembered, I need to get my bag.” (or anything will do). When in the midst of agitation, or under duress, no one is in the state of mind to teach or learn. Disengaging from the energy gives the situation less attention and connection.
Children at their Best-
supporting capabilities
Deciding and depicting together as a family how you want to live in harmony creates a feeling of inclusion and deep connection.
Even a child of 2 or 3 can participate.
As a family answer the question:
"How do we want to be, and live together?”
Be positive:
“No hitting”, becomes, “We use our hands for helping.”
“No yelling for someone” , becomes, “We are next to the person with whom we are speaking.”
“No leaving clothes on the floor”, becomes, “We put our dirty clothes in the hamper.”
Add new norms as the need arises.
Home Sweet Home
When a norm is forgotten, overlooked, or disregarded, use the pictures as an objective reference point, (as one also does using the "Our Day"- Story Poster )
Looking at the poster, the adult objectively says, “Oh…remember we decided that we would use our hands to be helpful. Let’s practice.” Then do so together in love and joy. Our attitude is crucial as the child is very sensitive to our emotional state. They will know when we are not being sincere, or operating from impatience.
Review the norms regularly. Make up a story as you point to each picture. “Once upon a time there was a family who decided that they would listen when someone is talking, etc.”
Set intentions: Consider choosing one norm to focus on. Example- “I’m going to practice putting my belongings away today. If you notice that I forgot, will you remind me?”