Waiting Patiently to Have One’s Needs Met
We often assume that young children under the age of 5 or 6 just do not have the capability to manage their impulses, either in regard to waiting during a transition, (such as leaving the house, or going from playtime to bath time), waiting for a turn, or as I’ll address in this blog, waiting to have what they express as a need or a want.
The worId is indeed their oyster! To the young child everything is new and exciting , everything is possible, everything is obtainable, and the child sees no barriers or reasons to wait! But of course fulfilling all these desires, and doing so immediately, is not sustainable. Even if one has the means, it is not emotionally healthy for the child to receive everything expressed as a need or a want.
There are multiple times throughout each day that children express needs and wants, expecting them to be fulfilled immediately. Due to their age and maturity, most every desire is experienced with great intensity. The child can not yet rationally discern a hierarchy of needs, or for that matter have the ability to use levels of emotional expression.
This intensity, motivated unconsciously, can not, and does not want to be in charge, even though it can certainly appear as if it does!
Therefore, we should not take what the young child expresses at face value. We can respect what is expressed as a need or a want, but we should not feel responsible to provide everything desired or feel that we have to rescue the child from, or over identify with, their feelings.
Developing a respectful, responsive attitude and approach enables the caregiver to be equipped and able to accept and guide the natural instincts of the child in joy and harmony. Understanding that what a child expresses as a need or a want may actually be based on something more fleeting, helps us support the child to develop positive behavioral interactions, versus negative ones- the child always expecting to have their way.
A child who can learn to wait patiently becomes a more integrated member of their world.
Learning to wait patiently helps the child learn appropriate levels of self control-a critical life skill.
Learning to patiently wait helps the child to develop the awareness that others also have needs, and that their own needs can be, or need to be met within the context of the family or community.
5 Tips for Waiting Patiently:
“Respect”
Whatever we strive to teach young children must be framed in, and with respect. Direct teaching, lectures, and rational explanations often backfire as they put pressure on the child’s emerging sense of autonomy.
“Feeling Heard”
Acknowledging what the child expresses through mirroring the emotions helps the child to feel understood, and often dispels the intensity of what is being felt.
Feeling heard does not mean however that you are responsible to provide for the child’s unconsciously motivated “needs or wants.”
“The Power of a Pause”
Any time a child requests something, whether you intend to provide for the request, or not, pause before responding. Building in a little wait time has been found to help the child not only develop patience, but also the tolerance to delay gratification by actively keeping their own minds occupied.
(See: Stanford Marshmallow Experiment)
“Role Model”
In situations where I am waiting with one child or a group of children, I will “self talk”, saying out loud, (but not directly to the children), “When I wait, I like to take a deep breath.” And then, put my hand on my belly, and take a breath do so with great satisfaction. I often calmly add, “That felt good. I think I’ll do that again.” I will turn to the child/ren, “Let’s try it together.”
“High Sign”
Young children are wired to stay connected to their caregivers- a basic survival instinct. When you are talking with someone, either in person or on the phone, the young child is often motivated (unconsciously) to maintain connection. So as not to give attention to this behavior, (which if doing so will help create an unwanted habit), the following routine can help.
When the child approaches you, vocalizing some demand or comment:
Wiggle your index finger (indicating wait), and avoid lengthy eye contact.
Allow your conversation to come to a natural pause. Say to the person with whom you’re speaking, “Excuse me, for one moment.”
Turn to the child briefly, calmly say, “I’m speaking with someone just now. You’re waiting. I’ll speak with you when I’m finished.”
Then calmly turn away from the child to attend to your conversation.
A repeat may be needed. You may add, (without lingering), “What will you do while you’re waiting. Play with the blocks, the truck or something else?”
When you’re available to the child you can gauge whether to revisit the connection. Often the child can’t recall why they approached you.
If you do extend yourself to the child do so without apology or praise for how long they waited. Children do not need praise for engaging in appropriate behaviors. Nor do we need to apologize for having other interests which occupy our lives.
I hope these tips and insights were helpful
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